connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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