Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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