He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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