MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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