Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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