im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
