At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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