I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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