I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
