I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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