just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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