did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
