there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
