there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
