this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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