she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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