he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
