my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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