Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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