If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize