Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
