as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
