It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
