don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
