Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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