We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
