why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
