Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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