Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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