i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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