I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
