last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
