The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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