If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
