what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
