i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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