Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
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he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
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Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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