So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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