i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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