I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
