you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
