I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Randomize
