last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
It's just like the Real World with babies
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
