Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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