Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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