Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
