I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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