I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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