I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
