i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
