Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
