I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
