Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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