He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize