Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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