i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
My boob is missing a layer of skin
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
