having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
