I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
i think my cat just said my name.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
