Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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