Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Rumble strips road head = magical
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
