I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
All I want is dick and wine.
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