I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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